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Love who YOU love
(Since pride month is ending, I’ve decided to write this)
If love is meant for everyone
Why yours has to be different?
Why can’t You love you the way you want?
Why can’t you express your feelings the way you like others?
‘Because they made it seem that way.’
You are not an exception
You are worth it
You deserve everything you want and wish for
It doesn’t matter how you call yourself
Describe yourself, define yourself or identify yourself. You still human
You still have a heart
You still a part of our community.
Your heart is the one who decides
Your body feels the connection.
We should be able to fall in love with whatever soul we like. Limits don’t count.
and most importantly respect yourself.
Love who you love
An Hour Left To Dream
World falls silent
Streets left bare by human feet
Violent screas subside
Under the early hours of the morning sky
Sweetness in the air
Not yet polluted by human despair
A soft symphony exudes
Birds, breeze, ocean waves...
All colluding for beauties sake
Hours rapidly quicken
Natures symphony - evaporates
As human activity increasingley thickens
Rappidness drowns the streets
Envading homes as they sweep
Todays plans on their feet
A choice made;
Upon this day there shall be no defeat
With courageous hearts
Stroll through the streets
Tomorrow will bring a sigh
As the world falls silent once more
An hour left to dream.
A Moment That Changed my Live.
I'm coming up on the one year anniversary of the moment that changed my life. I went home to Dallas (because the Pandemic was a little too stressful in LA) and instantly wasn't feeling too great. I was having super bad cramps and I felt like I had pulled my hamstring. I pushed through thinking it was fine and that I just pulled a muscle working out and it wasn't a big deal. Over the next few days, the pull kept getting worse to where I couldn't sleep and barley walk, so my mom decided to take take me to the doctor. I went in, my doctor was confused so she sent me to get a CT scan. Went to get the scan (which had me move a meeting and took 3 hours), but eventually I got the scan and went home. I pulled up to my house and ran in to get on my laptop (we had our weekly developer meeting) and right before I logged on I got a call from one of my doctors, in a panic, telling me in "doctor speak" that I had a blood clot going all the way down my left leg and needed to get to the ER immediately. My body kind of went into shock and adrenaline mode as I then called Ivana to tell her "I'm not going to be able to make the meeting, I have to go to the ER" and then had my mom go drop me off. At first my mom came and sat with me before being told by the ER that she couldn't stay due to us being in one of the peaks of COVID. I told all the ER receptionists and around 4 doctors/nurses that I saw what my doctor told me, but it still took 8 hours for me to be admitted. During that time, my leg started to swell and start turning purple to where I couldn't walk on it. It wasn't until they gave me an ultrasound to see how big the clot was that I "cheated death by around 2 days". 2 days and I would have had no idea. I knew nothing about blood clots, didn't know how they were treated or anything. I thought at one point they were going to have to amputate my leg because it was swelling so much and no one was doing anything. I was begging for morphine at one point, crying by the check in desk. At 11:30 that night, they drew my blood...again...gave me morphine and admitted me into the hospital. A surgeon came in at 11:45 to tell me that they were going to fit me in the next day between noon and 7 PM to get the clot out. I still had no idea what was really happening but I knew my leg still hurt. My surgeon then told me "yeah, pain killers aren't going to help, only an anti-inflammatory" which the nurse then gave me. I spent the next 3 days in the hospital, running on no sleep, being woken up for blood every two hours to be discharged quickly with a prescription of blood thinners and no other information but to schedule my follow up surgery for the next month. We obviously found out what caused the clot...birth control (which by the way they do not warn you about when you are put on the medication). But it through my life for a loop. In the 8 months following June 24th, 2020, I would see doctors about every week, get 4 rounds of iron infusions, have 2 more surgeries, get covid, be on blood thinners the whole time, but most importantly have my life changed. It led me through a journey of finding myself through the amazing people I talked too who had the same thing happen, one being my therapist, and reevaluating what I wanted my life to look like. I don't know where I would be now if I didn't have a blood clot last year, but I know that I liked where I ended up.
Sobriety: 60 Days
There was a point in time when 60 days seemed a lot harder than climbing Mount Everest. I couldn’t fathom having a clean body…a clean mind. I didn’t think it was going to be possible to establish distance between me and my excuses.
Especially when the excuses are endless.
[any reason to check out – any reason to escape]
In the film ‘Beautiful Boy’ Nic’s sponsor tells him: “One step at a time. Congratulations, welcome to the real world.”
And Nic says: “Oh I don’t want to live in the real world. I’m so sick of living in it.”
At the core of everything this honestly sums up what it feels like to be newly sober.
No more chemical rainbows. No more chasing illusions that only last a couple hours. No more never ending chases.
It’s only me and it makes me cringe to write that, to see that, and to feel that.
...But I sat in a meeting tonight and received a 60 day chip.
Complete strangers cheered me on as I walked up to take it in my shaking hands. They weren’t really strangers at all.
This was my first in-person meeting off of Zoom since rehab. I didn’t want to go at first, I was uncomfortable. I shook some hands. I got some numbers.
I haven’t let go of the chip since they handed it to me.
“I heard a message this morning: you can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore to be happy.“
Chaos Within at 9:52 AM
Wished to be seen, my colors leak
Raging to come out and never wanna go back
Seeks to be found and not throw out
Abandoned in the road, like a stray dog
Without breed, nothing special, not worth it
And who shall accept?
Who shall want.
When my own could not.
I had known, accepted, but they do ravel my being.
I am, I am not.
I have lots of "almost I had" and turned to "next time"
Sometimes it's "nevermind" and "forget it"
I just wanna put a point, in this unfinished paragraph.
Take the GO in traffic light and make all the cars to stop.
I look back, with a bitter smile
Of what happened in the past
Of what's happening now
Throughout the journey my scars healed.
And of what's gonna happen tomorrow
I shall face it with trembling hands
Although, with a strong heart and a mind thinking of never giving up.
Papa, if you hear me
I remember you now as a dream. A liebestraum. Fuzzy around the edges and only a remnant of all the pretty things. Only the last glimmering of water, so low, to prove how full the well once was. I’ve lost so many moments. Forgotten more than I’ve forgotten. But the feeling remains. My hand is yours. Always my hand is yours. My greatest friend forever. That all the ways in which I grow are seeds you planted inside of me. Endlessly my inspiration. A father in everything. In words said and words that never need be. In action and deed. In guidance. In release. Never believing us to be vessels to simply see yourself in but hoping, in us, to see the world. Through us. Our time stretching out ahead faster than we could follow. Like stars shinning long after they’ve gone. I remember you as a dream. A love dream. However the time. However the moments. However the light fades. The feeling remains.
Oh Christmas Tree
Hundreds of millions of people each year come to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, but most don't know how this tradition began.
SMALL ROOTS On Christmas Eve 1931, a group of construction workers bought a 20-foot fir tree. It was adorned with homemade decorations. Two years later in 1933, 30 Rockefeller Plaza opened and with it the first official Christmas tree was displayed with just 700 lights. The custom continued through the Great Depression. During World War II, trees weren't lit to comply with blackout regulations, but they were decorated in patriotic red, white and blue. In 1949, the tree was painted silver as if to appear draped in snow. AN ANNUAL TRADITION The first tree lighting ceremony was televised in 1951 on the "Kate SmithShow." Since then, famous celebrities and politicians have hosted the special each year. Though the tree is the main attraction, there are lots of other holiday fixtures around the plaza to see. The dozen wired angels first appeared in 1969. This year (2018), a new, 900-pound Swarovski Star is debuting, which contains three million crystals along 70 triangular spikes.Each year at the close of the season the tree is taken down and its wood is donated to the Habitat for Humanity foundation where it is used to build homes for those in need.
He started reading the Bible when he was very young. The only memory he has from his father is a letter he sent his unborn son from a prison camp in Vietnam. In it, the American soldier stated that he was quite sure he wouldn't make it back home, and the his son should take good care of his mother. He will never know if it was raining that day or if his father was crying, because the ink was blotted and some phrases could barely be made out. However, upon receiving the letter, his mother decided she had to be strong, a single Latino mother in Texas in the late 60's. When her son was born, she decided to name him after his father, and raise a strong independent young man, who started reading the Bible when he was very young. He found solace in the good book, and kept his fathers letter, not only as his only memory of him, but as a beacon to lead a life of virtuousness always taking good care of his mother.
Lower Keys Underwater Music
Every summer I head to the Florida keys for a unique music festival that takes "water music" to a whole new level. Hundreds of divers and snorkelers tune in on a beautiful coral reef in the National Marine Sanctuary in the Florida Keys, where celebrity attendees like the Snorkeling Elvis's are a traditional part of the scene. Selections ranging from "Yellow Submarine" to humpback whale songs are piped underwater for an unforgettable music experience.
Julian has two doting grandparents, both of which were born and raised in Northern Italy, but now live in Australia. Julian will tell you that one of his greatest childhood memories revolves around the words 'gnocchi' and 'Nonna,' which means grandmother in Italian.
As a little boy, Julian would run around his Nonna's estate with his best friend and cousin, Adrian. They would play around the gardens enjoying the fresh air, popping their heads into the kitchen every now and then to say "hi" to their Nonna, who would be very busy making her famous gnocchi from scratch.
For years, Julian would watch his Nonna expertly produce pounds of gnocchi dough and place it into the freezer for the upcoming week. Julian and Adrian loved the uncooked dough so much that they would sneak into the freezer at night and eat the gnocchi dough when nobody was looking. Nonna's homemade gnocchi was the tastiest thing in the world.
Nonna's cooking raised Julian's standards of food forever! Nothing beats a home cooked meal by Nonna.