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Don't Love A Person with Your Whole Heart
Eliza is a young woman in her early 30's who has been around the block a few times. She knows a thing or two about relationships: love, lust and heartbreak. She understands these things with such a clear mentality, one could even say she is a professional! With that being said, Eliza often shares a poignant lesson… If you ever meet her, she will tell you, "Never give someone your full heart. Always, always, always leave room in your heart to love yourself first. If you don't do that and you become heartbroken, you will feel destroyed. You will have nothing to build your heart back to its fullness -- and we all deserve full hearts." Be kind to yourself. Know that you are worthy of a full heart.
I've been lacking drive but inspiration is endless so I'm left with hope. Hope that i will slowly get back to creating and enjoying the process rather than the finished product.
It's frustrating when you realize you are the only one holding yourself back. There's some kind of disconnect, blockage that seems always in the way of allowing a change of routine. I've hit a plateau.
At the same time i tell myself to allow this phase to take it's course. I am human, and I am enough. I am my biggest fan and I love. I love life and I love truth.
I am overlyprotective of it. So don't get too close or I just might startle you.
Trip sayulita los mejores 25
@macabeso Bueno todo empezó como un trip a Guadalajara por mis 25 años, iba con 2 de mis mejores amigas (Karla, la gorda y mily) ah y mi prima mada.. llegamos bien ahuevo al tren que nos llevaría a tequila, hicimos el tour con tequila herradura.. todo iba muy muy bien, de regreso nos cambiamos de vagón, fuimos las últimas en bajar del tren, shot, cócteles, baile y yo feliz festejando mis 25 primaveras, entonces las niñas ya alocadas decidimos rentar un coche e irnos a sayulita.. fueron horas de camino con la misma pinché canción por qué mi prima tenía obsesión con una rola de maluma y ella iba manejando, apenas llegamos y pedí una cubeta de cerveza ahí en la playa.. el atardecer se dio pronto por qué pues ya llegamos algo tarde, era domingo y el equipo de soccer al que le vamos jugaba vs Guadalajara, entonces nosotras, bueno lo mejor dicho yo ya andaba ebria nos metimos a un bar y traíamos nuestros jersey, claro que empezaron a decirnos cosas, que las regias y un sin fin de cosas que las de Monterrey somos muy codos y así, entonces me aposté la cuenta y dos cubetas más con el gerente, pues ganamos y obvio nos tomamos las cervezas, después entramos a un bar medio hippie, lleno de surfistas extranjeros muuuy guapos, para eso mi amiga Karla es vegana y pues trae esa onda de come más plantas o se las fuma hahaha pues nos dijeron que en la segunda planta podían fumar y que estaban fumando mi amiga me digo wey acompáñame no quiero ir sola a fumar, pues subí con ella y OMG había una reta de futbolito de unos italianos y franceses, yo muy ebria me puse a un lado de ellos disque sacando platica, no sabía ni qué decía, invite una ronda a todos, me puse más ebria de lo que estaba, no supe cómo salí de ahí, amanecí en un hotel con mi prima y mis amigas! Tenía una cruda horrible, fuimos a buscar algo de desayunar, llegamos y el mesero nos saludó de que oye cómo estás en específico a mí y yo 👀 pues bien, y el de que me encantan las chicas regias son muy divertidas, y yo a si claro! Y mis amigas cagadas de risa de que wey no te acuerdas de nada verdad y yo, la neta no wey, me dijeron ve tus fotos y las de nosotros... tenía fotos con los surfistas, con un buen de gente jajajajaja en el futbolito, en la barra platicando con un chico, en el lobi del hotel, por qué estaba en calidad de bulto, después del almuerzo varias personas me saludaron ese día Jajajaja Ah sido uno de mis mejores viajes y agradezco a mis hermosas amigas por cuidarme y aguantarme y por dejarme cumplir todos mis caprichos en el festejo de mis 25 las amo con todo mi corazón, espero festejar mis 27 este año con otro trip pero no tan intenso Jajajaja 😂😎😉#MyFriendMadeMeDoIt
Dancing with Strangers
Two things that keep torturing me every time I decided walking around the City is the moment which I have to keep up the phase with people who walk on the same direction as I do but the worst one is the time when you are obliged to dance with the individual coming right at you. I mean is the "Keep Right" sign only for vehicles? Because I'm currently using this method wherever I go.
One thing I always keep in mind is that I have to always stay on the left side of the road when wandering around because I learned it from school and realizing it's practical to go along with it. You'll be safer when you have the sight of what might come in front of you. Just always remember to not only limit yourself with that direction because somehow we need to be attentive also from the other side of the road even the recent steps that you took awhile ago. Cause that's how the world works. You have to have an open mind to endless possibilities.
Okay coming back to the dancing part. So what truly happens when I came across people who don't, in reality, follow the Keep Right Movement is that we tend to dance in a rhythm nobody will never ever understand even the two of us and it will last for about 3-5 seconds. Imagine the struggle if you have to dance with 4 persons within 10 minutes. You might actually have collided with the other person eventually.
At first, it's fine and I always make sure it doesn't bother me in any way making my day more productive than allowing this dancing to gain space in my head over and over and over again. But sometimes I just can't possibly dismiss the actuality of the moment because randomly it'll get in my way.
No matter how irritating it was I will always find a way to look in a positive light. I'm telling you what I love about it, I have this female Mexican actress which is my role model who imparted in her recent telenovela that whenever you dance we have to make sure we make eye contact with our dance partner.
So basically each time I cross paths with someone initiating the dancing that I'm talking about I tend to look at his/her eyes, maybe trying to read what's gonna be her/his next steps would be. Talking about this type of dancing makes me laugh and smile, crazy right? But I guess it's happening so it's possible you can also experience what I had.
Some of my dance partners smile, mostly puzzled just like me. I think some of them loved it too. The quick responsive action to the stimulus. Recognizing differences in what we believe in to be common. Realizing there are hundreds of feet to dance with in the future. In a way or another, I'll just go with it in my own tempo. Maybe, I'll have the chance to dance with not just a stranger but a prospect to become a friend.
Closing the door
of cigarette smoke and weeds
of alcoholic drinks
of physical injuries,
though the truth,
reality shall slap me
and I find myself walking,
opeing the door,
abuses flashed back
the kicking and punches
I got used to it,
it had made me numb,
my body can take it,
but I'm done
this will be the last.
Happiness... What is that?
Hapiness... Strong and powerful word, honestly I don't know what is like.
When I was a kid I never felt happy, I couldn't remember one single time when I felt that feeling. I grew up traveling around the country, when I was 4 years old my mom and I moved to another city in a different state where we had no family, she had a new husband so I guess she wanted to start again, that marriage didn't work either, her first marriage was with my dad, which was like a ghost the first 8 years of my life, I don't remember if I missed him, because he never was for me.
I remember when I was in a conference where the speaker was telling to his audience, go to your childhood, remember that time when you felt free and happiest, and I couldn't do it, that got me thinking, do I know what it's like to feel happy?
Nowadays is a current feeling... I do not know how to be happy, what is happiness?, how does that feel?. Still don't know.
I guess I have to create it, but how?
One of the things that makes me feel good is writing, because I have the feeling that this is the only way I can honestly clear my mind, and my mind is full af every day. So write for me is like a medicine, I always wanted to be a writer, I still dream with my first book, I can imagine the way I will feel when I have my book in my hands, and to be able to conect with people through a story created by me will be amazing. Life passed, I'm not a writer yet, so for me to be able to express myself here is comforting.
So I may be still searching the meaning of happiness... for now i will concentrate myself in the good things that i enjoy, like writing.
This was my first blog written in english if you see grammar mistakes please let me know, one of the things that I enjoy the most is learning english. Thanks!
I cry myself to sleep
To free this heart from aches
I hide my tears in the rain
When my feelings i can’t contain
I’ve tried and i am tired
To hold in my tears and put on a smile
But every time I think of you
My heart shattered in pieces though
This feeling I’ve never known before
It’s dragging me down to the floor
Why did you say you loved her just to end up breaking her. Why did you have to leave her.? You didn’t want to hurt her but you did. You hurt her when you picked up that bottle and you somehow forgotten how to put it back down. Why did you pick it up in the first place? Now that liquid courage isn’t just some courage anymore is it? It’s your whole life. You can’t breathe without. You can’t live without. Isn’t it funny how you said you couldn’t do either of those things without her. But now look she is gone and you’re still living and breathing with that liquid courage. Why couldn’t you get the help she was willing to help you with. Why did you push her out of your life? It wasn’t you was it? It was that so called liquid courage that you pour down your throat no matter how bad it burns. Why didn’t you listen to her? She was your real courage. She gave you life. She held you close at night when those nightmares came back. She held your hand when things got bad so you knew you weren’t alone. But now you’re holding hands with that bottle. You are so numb you can’t feel anything. What you thought that was better than trying to move forward in life. You call that liquid courage but it makes you a coward because you can’t accept how your life was before. And now you can’t change it.
I’ve always felt average or “basic” how some of you might say. I could never tell if my life was going the way I wanted it to or the way it was suppose to. Growing up I was taught that god has a plan for all of us, but I always felt like I should make my own plans and own destiny. The day that I almost died was the first day of the beginning of a new me. I guess you can say that I did die and come back as a whole new person.
How to find yourself
Have you ever felt like your life wasn't yours that you were meant for so much more than this? I was just like that in that I was living a life so that my family would be proud of me but I so unhappy and depressed that I lost myself.
Growing up I felt I had to be this type of kid that obeyed and never question authority since parents are supposed to be right all the time. I grew up with overly protective parents and very religious which made it hard to be myself even around my friends. I was taught that god created "Adam and Eve" not "Adam and Steve" which always made me feel ashamed because I knew I was different that I was meant for something better. So just like most people pleasures I listened to others instead of my heart. I got married to a man that I had mix feelings about and I wanted to end it multiple times before and during our marriage until on day I finally ad it where I couldn't stand even looking at him much longer. He was horrible with money and when I worked instead of allowing me to save half of my income we had to spend it. If he was in the negative and knew I was in the positive then I had to be in the negative too. He always made me feel guilty when I said 'I'm broke' and then come home with bags of groceries that we needed. the only way to set him off of my back was to let him have sex event through mentally and physically I didn't want it at all I had to give it to him. I felt so powerless and worthless that I couldn't take it anymore.
I was watching 'Below Her Mouth' on Netflex and felt like Dallas in that I love women but unlike Dallas I felt like I was in the wrong body that I was supposed to be a man instead of a woman. Isee my girl and other women more of someone to love, protect and be there when they need someone to just talk to instead of an object or property. I hate guys who talk down to women like they shouldn't be in a 'mans world.' Last time I checked it's Earth where as long as your human you are part of the world. I also hate guys who are 'above' women in a corporate office and she has an idea to help the company and tells him who tells him who then tells the boss and he gets the credit instead of saying "it was Nancy who came up with the idea and if you want me on board with it she has to be in charge of it." So I came out to my husband and some family then dated my girlfriend who has supported me in being trans and making me feel like my true self around her that I have been open not only on social media but in my everyday life and yes I still get misgendered mainly because I'm not on T or had top surgery yet but one step at a time. You can't rush being who you truly are. You need to focus on the process and allow yourself to heal from the past and understand that not everyone sees life the way you do.
so with the marriage coming to an end I have found that I'm more happy with myself and less anxious and depressed then I was when I was married and listen to others opinions about who I am when they don't live a day in my footsteps. We are all humans and instead of tearing each other down how about we raise each other up and be more positive than negative about our beliefs of each other.
If you need help finding yourself you can do what I did which at first I was in women groups on facebook thinking that would help me prove to myself I was a girl when I knew I wasn't.