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Call it magic
I started to write something. I’m not sure what it’s going to end up being, but all I know is that I’m going to share it. So far it’s pretty long, and I’m just getting started. It’s the most honest thing I’ve ever written, and it feels really really good.
Im sharing the beginning of it here, so that you can all hold me accountable but also so that I HOLD MYSELF accountable for finishing this and sharing it all. Forgive the word vomit as it is fresh out of my head and I purposely don’t want to edit it yet….
Here goes! 😳
I’ve always been someone who needs to “understand” things. I don’t really know why. Maybe to trick myself into thinking that I am in control, or maybe because I have such a hard time making decisions that I want to have all the information possible to avoid making the wrong decision about anything, or maybe, just to feed my ego and be someone who knows stuff. I don’t know, but the point is I always wanted to understand things.
As I was turning 27, 28 and 29, and as I grew older I came across life situations that I could not explain with science, or intellect, or my 5 senses. This was incredibly frustrating. I was finding myself in situations and struggles that forced me to have something I had only every heard of: “faith”.
Although I didn’t truly understand it, I liked the idea of it. Having something that I can resort to whenever I can’t find another explanation, something to keep me sane in the midst of what felt like an insane time and an even more insane world. I found myself with a desperate need to believe in something. Anything. So I did what I do best, learn about every option out there in hope of finding one that works for me.
The only fair way to do this was to actually give everything a fair shot, with no judgement. Well everything except Catholicism. I grew up socially catholic, which essentially meant that I never went to church nor was I taught much about it, but I did have my baptism and first communion and confirmation, mostly so that we could throw a big party and invite people, and also so that I could get married in a church if I ever chose to.
There was the mention of God, but there wasn’t much explanation to it, much less any discipline around it. I knew I believed in a God but I had never actually thought about what that meant or how that was represented in my life.
Today, everyone in my family is a different religion, and I love that and respect them all, but Catholicism and the church and the idea of guilt as a basis of living are not for me.
So, I was on a mission to explore the newest buzzword “Spirituality”, and what that meant for me.
Disclaimer: This is not a story about which belief system or spirituality is best, or what I now believe in, and in no way is it about convincing anyone that my beliefs are the right ones, which is way I won’t go into specifics about what things I believe in today. That’s besides the point. This is a story about how my search for spirituality led me to believe in magic, and how that in turn led to a loooot of other things.
I remember one of the first things I did was go to this guy that everyone swore by. All I knew was that he “reads your angels”. Interesting, I thought. And so I went and had indeed a very interesting experience and he gave me some books to read and some candles to light. Some of the first books I read were: “Las 5 heridas que impiden ser uno mismo” by Lise Bourbeau followed by “Conversations with God” by Neale Donald Walsch. I remember reading that last title and immediately judging it. Oh god (no pun intended), this looks like a religious book…
If you’ve read it you know that it’s the farthest thing from it. It’s absolutely amazing, and I genuinely enjoyed every single minute of it. I remember after reading those books and others, I started obsessing over all concepts I would come across because they ALL resonated… terms like “Inter-generational trauma” and “past lives” and I was traumatized by understanding how much unsolved shit we inherit from past generations.
Initially my search for spirituality felt as if I found an unopened box in my house, and I was like “oooh, how curious. A box I’ve never opened before. How did I never realize it was here and abandoned. No wonder I always felt as if I was missing something. Silly me… I should open it and empty out the things inside. It looks pretty small, and then I’ll be done moving in. Yay! How heavy can it be?”
Well… let me tell you, it was heavier that any measure of weight could ever possibly explain. Because little did I know, that box had no bottom… it went aaaallll the way down my house, into the land, across the planet, and then into the abyss of space. It was, and is, impossible to see the end of it. Or in other words, the profundity of that box has no end.
Anyways, enough of the drama. The point is that when I opened that box to “quickly clean it out” I realized I had a lot of work to do. Luckily for me there was no rush. Until, that is… the day I —
[More to come soon.]
In the meantime let me know how you think that sentence ends👇🏼 ☺️🤍
I’ll be here
You woke up early today.
You looked beautiful this morning with the light of possibility in your eyes and your lips filled with gratitude. You stared in the mirror a while longer.
“Good day or bad day I’ll still be here” I breathed.
You look puzzled so I repeated it until you got to your car. A new audio book droned out your incredulity.
As you went over your mental to do list of the day, I remarked about the sun.
Today the sun is shining like you needed it I sighed. Can you feel the warmth?
You closed your eyes for a second while you were driving and smiled. See, I love that about you. The way you’ve learned to appreciate the things you do nothing to receive or enjoy. You’ve learned that good day or bad day the sun still shines for you.
Your turn signal clicks on Beulah Rd and I wait for you to tighten your grip on the steering wheel and look at your rear view mirror back and forth but you don’t. You sit and try to pay attention to the audio book.
The coffee place you love is close by and you’ve not tasted the coffee yet but you’re buzzing. It’s a long day, and I know that coffee doesn’t make it a shorter day, but it makes it better. What a weird thing that a drink is more than a drink. Sometimes it’s a; moment, your favorite song, a dream, a love story.
You ask, taking the first sip of your almond milk latte.
Today is hope I answer, today is courage, today is your day.
Ezra is waiting for you with his mask in his chin and his cheeky smile as he greets you before you’ve had a chance to badge.
“Hey hey hey you haven’t been wanting to see me or what”
“I was just giving you a chance to miss me” you high five him on the way to the elevator.
How you do that so flawlessly? Welcome people in. Make them giggle, laugh, blush, make them care and feel important at the same time?
You’ve planned the logistics of today for your team. If all goes well it’s all thanks to you and as you like to remind me, if all goes terribly it will also be all thanks to you.
PI planning, deliverables, meetings, lunch, emails, more meetings and you do it all with a positive attitude. No one would guess how much you had to go through to get here. To get to the 27th floor. To get to be this joyful you, this whole you.
Tony looks at his watch as you leave to the event you planned.
“Perfect time to leave I see” he smiles at you and you smile back giving him the bag of peanut M&M’s, his favorite, your favorite.
Giving back you tell me, is the perfect antidote to a stressful day.
The day turns to night and you sit at a table asking everyone their love story. Vanessa is getting married September 17th a destination wedding in Seattle. Jessica and Tommy locked eyes in a college escalator and Tommy organized a party that night just to invite Jessica. Mike bought a ring for his wife after two weeks of meeting her and gave his wife the ring the third week after his wife told him he wouldn’t dare marry her. Oh but he dared. They’ve been married for 10 years now. Matt and his husband engraved their own unique rings and got engaged in Disney World. Rachel was volunteering at a refugee event when her husband one of the volunteers said “Hey I’m new in Dallas what do you do for fun?” They’ve been having fun ever since.
These details are important to you.
You listen and you beam and aww and I can’t help love seeing you this way. Loving people. Loving their stories and being overwhelmed with their vulnerability.
So tonight you’ll go to sleep in your warm bed listening to the rain and smiling just as if you’re feeling the sun.
Good day or bad day I’ll still be here.
I opened the app. Not sure what to write. And then... this happened. Kept trying to think about thoughts to write. I decided just to put the words popping in my mind. Let them flow freely. It felt shallow, and oily. Until I ran out of ideas. Blank. Dark. I couldn’t keep on writing. Until I knew what: the end.
How are you feeling?
How am I?
I am feeling disappointed and encouraged.
I am feeling sad and hopeful.
I am feeling heartbroken and a hopeful romantic.
I am feeling self-critical and in love of self.
I am feeling self-conscious and excited.
And I love me. All of me still and all of you. I love your soulful energy with mine. Happy quarantine day 58697970
How are you feeling?
The depth of faith
This poem is called faith
The darkness is so loud
My voice was robbed from the war
Like a cork in a shaken bottle my emotions are gearing up
I'm 40 meters down into the ocean of my undoing
The pressure builds upon my chest
I can't move
Blood makes it impossible to stay on my knees ive been here to long
Just as the world began to swallow me whole
Like a hurricane in a fish bowl
I reach out like a kid would to a butterfly
The bowl cracks
It's silent but I hear it
Like the last few drops of the storm were singing a song to me
(It's gonna be okay)
My tears March down my cheeks
I'm gonna be okay
Now I will use this really like a diary because I'm tired to be too reflective about what I will write, so I will just talk about my day.
Nothing very different or out of ordinary happened, but I did get to prepare the things I wanted to so my day can be easier tomorrow. I had a good time with some colleagues and also my family.
I won't prolong myself any further. First because I don't think I have much to say and second because I'm really tired right now. Even though I slept a good amount of time last night and even took a nap this afternoon, I'm feeling pretty tired. Sometimes it is like I sleep but I don't rest... Maybe I should pay a little more attention to that.
I don’t have a mother anymore and am a grandmother myself, but a mother’s influence remains forever in your life.
My mom was a stay-at-home mom as was customary those days. (I did not appreciate her fully then but fortunately had time to correct it later). As this kind of woman often gets absorbed in the day to day chores and never/seldom (?) receives any recognition for herself, that is what would have happened here as well. My mom however joined a ladies’ group where she had the opportunity to be someone in her own right instead of just being my dad’s wife. She excelled in needlework, crafts and other domestic stuff and was recognized for her leadership and mental strengths otherwise never being developed.
What did I learn from this? Find something to validate your own strengths, be your own person and then you’ll be able to be there for others in a much better way.
The Clouds on the Road
I have always liked being on the road, for some reason I have always liked the road more than getting to the destination, I guess that's why I stay from one place to another. And when I'm going to arrive, I give up on everything and everyone and I no longer find the same taste in continuing as from starting from scratch.
I was back in Dallas, remembering Katelynn, When we went to her house near a bar downtown. She wanted to escape too, that's why we got along. Because we were both fugitives of our own lives and we fed ourselves with the belief that we had a future, but we didn't.
At some point we turned our eyes on the road, the clouds became copious and black, and the Rain began to reach us, and I had to press the gas on that gray car, while telling this woman not to worry and to see for the last time those clouds, and the bad weather.
As always, I was wrong, and she would make fun of all that. I should have never run away from the Rain, I should have stayed, I should let myself be embraced by it and let everything else lose its meaning.
One day. One simple day. All could change in a heartbeat. June 21, 2010. Changed me forever. One simple day. All I think is what if? What if I didn't get that transplant? What if I wasn't diagnosed with a kidney disease? What if my mom never told my pediatrician that she was worried about me losing weight and not growing? Just what if? Things would be so different. One simple day. One simple moment. I to this day look at myself and I am yet not sure if I see the real me. Who is the real me? I wish I could tell you. What I can tell you, is all the answers to those questions. If my mom didn't say anything to my pediatrician, then I wouldn't have known about my disease and most likely would have collapsed at some point. And me not getting that transplant would end with me either getting dialysis or in a hospital dead. One simple day. How could one say change so much? It could be as simple as you answering the last question on an exam. Answer it wrong could fail you or pass you. One word could make or break you. One life is all we have. Why waste it? Why throw it all away? Why go down that hole? Why grab that blade? Why take those pills? Why do any harm to yourself? Why be selfish? All those questions, many have asked me. Most have been family. I would never answer them because they would not understand. For years I just wanted to feel "normal". Normal. A simple word changed my thought on life. Normal to me during those times, would be running around with all the kids. Going to the park with friends. Going to my friends house. Hanging out with my friends after school. Having a curfew. Not drinking pills. Not having to worry about forgetting them and causing my body harm. Normal. To this day, I could never figure out that word. One simple word, made me feel different. I didn't have a childhood. I was isolated for a while from everyone, everything. I couldn't go out without wearing a damn mask. I couldn't play sports because one small accident could kill me. I felt like I was drowning. Every time I would try to swim up to gasp for air I would feel myself going deeper in the dark sea of pain. I was an adult too soon. I lost part of my life. Part of me. All because of one simple day. I was only 14 and I lost control of my life. My parents were managing my life. I couldn't control anything. I had to shower by a certain time. I had to be home right after school. Nowhere else. Straight home. Bed time. Who I talk to. What I eat. What I drink. I had nothing left that I could decide on. Which lead me to the pills. My pills that were keeping me alive. Keeping me around long enough. The pills that reminded me every day of that disease. The transplant. The life I was destined for. I decided whether or not I drank them. Whether or not I live. In that moment it was ok. It didn't matter to me if death was the end cause. All that mattered was that I felt normal. Normal. There it is again. People in my school would bully me for having this transplant. For having a tube in my arm. For being different. I had a tube in my arm for a treatment. One simple person. A girl I called my best friend. Izzy. One simple day with her, one simple moment changed me forever. She made me realize the good in life. Gave me a reason to live. My hope was brought back thanks to her. Everything was ok. For a moment I thought nothing could break me. One simple day. Simply One. Made me rethink everything. Brought me back to that dark hole. Maybe forever I thought. I lost her. I lost hope. I lost friends. I lost myself. Mind spiraling. Heart racing. Tears running. Emotions building. What to do? How do I make this pain go? One simple answer. Let it flow out. Grab the blade. Place it against my skin. Smooth blade. Push the blade against you. Then pull. Let the blood flow. Let the pain flow. Let the hate flow. Tears flow down the cheek, drip on the blood. Feel the saltiness mix with red. Feel it drip down. Sadly, It was over too soon. I was back to reality. Back in school. Only this time I had myself and only myself. Darkness following me every step I took. One simple moment. One simple day. Had done a ton. Life is full of pain, struggles, heartbreak, disappointments, and tears. But over the years I've learned that life is also full of happiness, fun, love, accomplishment, friends, adventure, care and smiles. You have to know how to handle it. Yes there will be moments where you crash, break. You just have to know how to get back up. Life shouldn't be about surviving, it should be about living. Live in the moment. Yes you'll worry about the future, think about the past. It's ok. But you need balance. Too much of anything is bad. Moderation my friend. Life Is supposed to be full of ups and downs. One simple day, can change everything. It did for me. Would I change anything if I could? Hmm, I used easily answer that with a simple yes. Now? Well, I'm not sure. Because yes I made so many mistakes. Disappointed many people. Lost many people. But it made me the person who I am today. I am strong. Brave. There are times where I feel like I'm not good enough. But I am. I am good enough. I am me. I still feel lost. I look at myself and not sure if that's the real me. But I'm fighting. Fighting to find out. Fighting for Izzy. For myself. I'm proud of the person I became in the end. So yes one simple day can change life. But one simple day can help you better yourself. Make you wiser. Alert. Cautious. Make you, YOU. One simple day is all it takes. Simply one.
I have seen Ed Sheeran 5 times. But I will never forget the first time I saw him.
It was my freshman year of college and the first week of school. The guy I liked at the time suggested we go, he found tickets for me, him, his roommate anddddd all of my suitemates (hey we were already close). We thought nothing of the tickets we bought, they were cheap and all together.
Then we go to the seats, we were seated in a suite. 8 BROKE college kids somehow Stubhubbed the perfect seats and got seated in a suite.
Granted, it wasn't one that had food catering or free drinks but still, we were in our own little section.
The next three hours were perfect. The stress of that first week of college melted away and we attempted to keep up with all of Ed Sheeran's lyrics and enjoyed the best view in Staples Center.
Out of the all the times seeing him, that's the one I remember the most, and the one experience I will never be able to recreate.