coming out by jbeans

Everyone always says coming out to others is hard, but it is coming out to yourself that was the worst for me. I always had thoughts in the back of my mind but I never let them move from there. They were always just thoughts, small things I would repress until I forgot. It was not until a few years ago that I let myself think them again. In fear of being judged, being different, not being “normal”. No one ever talks about how hard it is to come to terms with your sexuality by yourself. Each day is different, “Maybe I’m faking it” “Maybe if I date the ‘normal’ way, I could fix myself” “Everyone is going to look at me differently”. It is a constant struggle every waking moment of my life. I never grew up around anyone from the LGBTQ+ community, so I never understood the thoughts I was having. I was so normalized to straight relationships that I thought how I felt was wrong. It took me years to figure out that I am just as normal as everyone else. Since ‘coming out’ to myself, I have faced great adversity, lost friends, doubted my own emotions. People look from the outside and think it is easy, that you just know who you like and that’s it. It is far from easy, and from talking to others from the community, it made me feel less alone in my worries. I am queer. That word does not define me, it is only a word. A word that shows who I love and who I could love. It does not make me less than. It does not change the fact that I am who I am. I am still me, whether I was straight or not. I hope that whoever felt this way knows that they are not alone. It took me so long to figure out who I am and I am still learning. So, I have come out to myself, here I am officially coming out to you. If you hate me for it, I still love you. If you love me for it, I love you even more. Never let anyone keep you from knowing who you are and sharing it with the world. I love you, Happy Pride Month 🏳️‍🌈