This Void by phoenixmoon

The emptiness consumes me as I attempt to form meaningful sentences even now. Sometimes I go back and read my previous stories and it always feels like im peeking into my heart. I have expressed how much love i have for you countless times now. Expressed how I am a fool for continuing to fight for you. knowing that this is a one-sided delusion. Your perspective is always on my mind. Your emotions and traumas are so varied that they clash wildly with my own. Our ways of processing are polar opposites. I want to meet things head on and you would rather stuff them away in a little box. Carry that box to the nearest black hole and be done with it forever. So much time has passed now that I finally reached this point. I loved you so much that it almost feels like I forced myself to seal that love away in my own black box. Only doing so to make sense of why our friendship could never really be. Truth is I can't tuck it away. It lives with me daily. A reminder of a human I decided to go the extra mile for. A person I viewed as so full of compassion. So full of hope. So full of dark memories but was doing everything in your power to live despite that. I loved and do love all of that about you. If only that mattered right? If only your words reflected in your actions as well. I was once proud to proclaim myself a fool for loving you. Everyday it seems more difficult to wear that title and keep my head held high. Theres enough tough lessons I’ve had to face in life. Losing you really wasn’t one I needed to add to the list. Theres some profound epiphany in all of this somewhere. For now all I have is this void. One that was once occupied by someone I actually managed to share my love with. I wish I knew why you went out of your way to never share yours with me. You care more than you show right? I can only imagine the mental web that prevents you from moving past those words. I’m starting to create and feel more alive again after the complicated series of events that's been 2020 and 2021. As I fill my life with new experiences and perspectives all I can do is move forward. I won’t pretend like I will just move on and forget it all. The void will exist in some form and I know it. Maybe you’ll realize how much love I had for you at some point im your life. If not...At least my love for you was genuine. Wish I still had tears for you. I’ve tried. They just wont flow anymore. ✌🏾